Marriage * Graha
Who Will I Marry?
vs. "Falling in Love"?
Poetic Divine Love
Diplomatic Human Marriage Alliance
Raffaello Sanzio c. 1504:
Spozalizio (The Engagement of Virgin Mary).
Pinacoteca di Brera,
"Compassion is the desire
for another to have freedom from suffering.
Love is the desire for another to have happiness."~~ H. H. Dalai Lama
Singular and Plural
Love is different from Trust
'I' is different from 'We'
Love = "I
am in the Center of the Light"
the experience of Love is
self-validating and personally energizing
ego-rewards and applause =
lovely and delightful!
= fame, glamour, getting attention,
sparkle, charisma, bright lights, radiance, confidence,
inner truth, divine intelligence, delight, children,
romance, poetry, magnificence, royalty, celebrity, genius
Trust = "We are joined by agreement"
the experience of Trust is
partner-validating and socially energizing
wealth-acquisition and mutual appreciation
= pleasurable and satisfying!
= promise-keeping, vow-maintaining,
duty-fulfilling, partnership, alliance, agreement,
completion, pairing, mutual respect and regard, material
fruitfulness, sensual experience
Shukra = karaka
Shukra, lord of yuvati bhava, is the graha of contracts, agreements,
architectural design, balance, diplomacy, and pleasure. Naturally, Shukra
is the karaka for marriage, but Shukra is also the karaka for business
partnership, and also Shukra represents material wealth.
In a male nativity, Shukra = karaka for the wife, and for attraction to
women in general. In a female nativity, Shukra represents the woman's own
beauty, and her relationships with others of her sex.
In both genders, Shukra determines the overall
Of components in the physical appearance and bodily health. Shukra
especially signifies the hair, eyes, and face (bhava-2) and the paired
internal organs throughout the body (7) including ovaries, testicles,
kidneys, pancreas, ears, tonsils, lungs, the two hemispheres of the brain,
Surya = karaka
Surya, lord of romantic putra bhava, is the graha of "falling in
love". In western cultures, the term "Romance" has come to
signify the elegant,
culture of courtly love. The concept and practice of "falling in
love" involves the explicit idealization practices of courtly love,
which emerged from the depths of cultural darkness in European medieval
In these brutal and disease-ridden days, a thousand years after the
collapse of the Roman Empire, a few scraps of poetic and philosophical
intelligence were still known. The easiest and most popular expression of
intellect in "Romance" culture was to memorize and recite
Latin love poetry. Only court nobles, a tiny fraction of all people, were
literate; therefore knowledge of Latin poetry was a sign of rare privilege
and superior education. Courtly love became a cult of intelligence,
creativity, and self-definition. Although popular literary is now
widespread and the court system is long gone, "Romance" is still
seen as proof of "perfect" (idealized) love.
In the physical body, Surya = karaka for the
the singular center of the body, upon which all other parts depend for
blood nourishment. (Surya is exalted in Mesha which rules the human brain,
but Surya shares control of the brain with animal-instinct Kuja.)
Romance vs. Marriage
Romance is in many ways the very antithesis of marriage! Surya and
Shukra are enemy graha!
Surya celebrates the individual ego, the speculative
intelligence, entertainments, games, and especially winning at games
through intelligence! Surya's portfolio includes all expressions of the divine
intelligence which channel through individual human creativity, such
as children, performance art, politics-theatre, costume arts, gambling,
and literature. Regal and
self-centered, Surya encourages the development of human
civilization toward the ideals of the gods.
Ravi represents the
ideal within human life: creative genius, children,
love. Ravi is a
graha, whose geniusoperates through one single person
at a time.
Shukra represents the balancing scales. Shukra operates in
There are times when the balance-point is shifting and there are times
when the balance-point is perfectly still, yet Shukra always requires
"parts" to cooperate and relate. Shukra represents
Falling in Love vs. Being Married
The experience of "falling in love" can be psychologically,
spiritually, and even physically transformative. Romance fills the Heart
with divine intelligence. One sees an image of the Divine in the Other, a
perfect Ideal apparently manifest in human form! It is unspeakably
wonderful, and miraculous, and ecstatic to fall in love.
But what is the prognosis for human beings to maintain that
illumination? How long before spiritual illumination become
psychological illusion, and valorous ideals become rationally invalid
Eventually, the brilliant light of idealization begins to
fade, and the more basic human traits will emerge on the field of psychic
projection. At this point "the honeymoon is over" - and the need
for balancing skills, partnership conversations, cultural agreement, etc.
If the Sun stayed high in the sky all day, perhaps humans would have no
need of Shukra's pleasuring, designing, re-balancing behaviors. But day
turns into night, and only after the long night can humans see their
Divine Sun again. In marriage partnership, there is Day and Night,
pleasure and pain, conflict and resolution - rather continuously. Without
balancing skills, no marriage could survive.
Perfect Love vs. Balanced Appreciation
Romance, under auspice of Surya's genius, is naturally solipsistic.
Romance does not involve any level of partnership, except one's
relationship to one's own
and aesthetic ideals. Romance a projection of one's own
interior perfect ideal, one's own divine intelligence, upon the image of
another person. The practice of Romance is wonderfully inspirational for
poets, creative artists, authors, politicians, actors, game-players,
enjoyers of entertainment and others engaged with the Muse. But romance
does not provide much practical guidance to actual daily relationships
between two human beings.
Parents quite naturally feel a deep romantic love for their children.
Children inspire a brilliant, unconditional, perfect love which begins in
absolute purity, then matures into deeper awareness of the child's karma.
Yet an authentic parent will never lose pure-heart love for their perfect
child, who was born fresh from God, in an act of breath-taking
However the parent-child relationship is not a marriage of two equals!
The parent's job is to extract genius from the child, to support the
child's intelligence and regal glamour to the fullest! (Naturally this
only happens when the significations of domains 5 and 9 are truly
excellent - but this is the ideal!)
The parent-child relationship is not balanced: it is greatly privileged
toward the child, with assets and attention focused on the singular and
central purpose of bringing out all that is best in the beloved.
To arrange, or not to arrange?
Should parents, or other senior guardians who are experienced in
cultural negotiations, be charged with arranging marriages for their
beloved offspring? There is a compelling Jyotisha reason for arranged or
"suggested" marriage guidance as a natural effect of Shukra, if
the nativity shows good will from parental protectors.
The realities of marriage are quite different than schoolgirl fantasy;
marriage must be based on shared values if it is to succeed. Shared
cultural background and admirable character of the spouse are very
important, and in the throes of romantic projection the person "in love"
often can't see the longer term consequences of their psycho-emotionally
desirous choices. That is why arranged marriages are often better for
sheltered offspring; and why Mother is no doubt convinced that she
knows what's best.
Naturally, parents understand the cultural values possessed by their
children. Parents have been supervising the child's indoctrination in
language, religion, morality, knowledge of history and philosophy,
attitudes toward material wealth and property ownership, etc. for the
child's entire life. Who would be in a better position to estimate the
easiest partner match for the package of cultural values that each child
carries into adulthood?
Quality of Parents
On the other hand, impure parents can manipulate a child for their own
ego-advantage. If bandhu bhava is weak or damaged, the parents may be
ethically handicapped or socially incompetent.
Manipulating a marriage for
parental profit, whether gain of money, social position, or political
advantage, is really a malfunction of the parent-child relationship, and
will be indicated by damage to Surya, Shukra, and Guru.
Modern Cult of Individualism
In modern westernized cultures, the emphasis on individuality has
become quite extreme. In these cultures, the entitlement to Romance and
the belief that projecting one's interior ideals upon another person will
actually cause that person to behave in an ideal way (!) are well
established. Moderns will not be swayed from the very questionable belief
that romantic love, which is often no more than a narcissistic infatuation
with one's own "best self" facade, is a necessary stepping-stone
toward socially balanced interactive equitable and mutually supportive
It doesn't make sense, but this belief is deeply embedded in the
culture of individualistic self-determination. So, in cases where the native has a strong Jyotisha placement for Surya and the native is also
immersed in the individuality-worshipping culture, the arranged marriage
alternative is quite unthinkable. That's just the way it is in many
parts of the world.
If one considering marriage has at lest the option to seek advice on
long-term compatibility from those senior in age, those who are aware of
the need to reduce cultural conflict in marriage, and who understand the
true nature of mutual lifetime support, then by all means seek Shukra-balance
(7) advicefrom elders! Similar cultural backgrounds including social
class attitudes to money and speech style (2) (e.g., is shouting allowed?
accusations? harsh speech?) can be a major buffer against
conflict of idealistic expectations
Navamsha, Past-life Expectations
Also, of course, look honestly at the navamsha of each party. What are
the implicit expectations
of marriage which are carried into each
incarnation, from past lives?
If one expects considerable conflict and
disagreement, as might be indicated by malefics in navamsha lagna, then no
amount of external advising or arranging will make much improvement.
Re-balancing in the Current Lifetime
However, in the end, the responsibility for re-balancing the conflicts
of marriage does lie with the native oneself. While a beneficially
arranged alliance might reduce much of the "crash and burn"
effect of the collapse of exaggeratedly idealized expectations
perfection of the spouse which can attend a Love Marriage, the constant
interference of the parental arrangers can be almost as damaging as the
anger one feels from disappointment in non-ideal spousal behavior.
Marriage is ultimately a spiritual practice, and interpersonal
communication problems much be understood as externalizing expressions of
conflicts within the self. It is indeed good social practice to allow
Shukra to guide marriage choices while Surya is best suited to arrange
romantic love experience. These are two different categories of human
relationship experience, each with their own requirements and opportunities.
Fame and adoration (one focus) vs. deep abiding balance
The English word "love" was originally 'lufa' -- and 'lufa"
in its original sense meant
Love in the idealistic sense that is exploited so virulently by worldwide
commercial advertising media, is still mainly about admiration,
appreciation, and celebrity - getting attention, getting
Yet love as the word is commonly used now, and as it is understood in
the spiritual context, is about deep abiding in partnership, within a
union that contains
It is important not to confuse Ravi's realm with Shukra's. Shukra and
Shani are friends; Surya and Shani are enemies.
Surya creates the brilliant and rare incarnation of the divine into
human royalty (Simha). Surya creates unconditional love (the king is above
human law) such as a parent feels toward a child, or such as an idealistic
adolescent (5) who knows little of human nature might project upon a
Shukra the diplomatic balancer (Thula) and acquisitive sense-pleasurer
(Vrishabha) has a much different impact on human life. Shukra-dictated
decisions require a different set of information about long-term
compatibility. Long term = Shani. Elders may indeed know better!
Elder advice - Shani and Shukra
Shukra-partnership decisions should involve careful
considerations of cultural value legacies (2) of each partner
[e.g., wealth, language, knowledge] and also the typical divisionof labor and other equity-achievementstrategies (2) which are
embedded into the cultural value system.
Even if parents do not explicitly arrange one's marriage, it is
strongly recommended to receive some elder advice and assessment before
plunging into marriage on the basis of "lufa".
Surya does not like either Shani or Shukra. However, Surya knows
nothing about long-term partnership or mutual alliance!
Realism and Planning
Even if you're "crazy in love", try to over-ride Surya's
"certainty" about "what love is" when making a
marriage decision. In truth, the distinction between "love",
versus adult narcissistic projection or simple adolescent infatuation
(adolescence is inherently narcissistic), is very difficult for the mind
to accomplish when one is feeling super-charged with
imagery of immortal perfection.
Inevitably for the mere human, however, day will turn into night. The
brilliant illumination of Surya will fade. And when it does, you will want
the well-designed structural compatibility of Shani and Shukra to sustain
the material partnership of the marriage - to "get you through the
May all beings venerate life as a
state of deep spiritual intimacy.