Attachment Detachment Compassion in Relationships - Barbara Pijan Lama Jyotisha Vedic Astrology

Jyotisha Practice	Attachment vs. Detachment Compassion in Relationships If another person's pain evokes one's fear of one's own pain, that is sympathy (same-feeling) or pity. If another person's pain evokes one's skillful caring response without matching energy, that is compassion.
What does "compassion"mean? What is compassion good for? Where does compassion come from? What role does it play in survival? What happens if there really is a threat to life? How can lowering one's instinctive defensespossibly lessen chances of a physical attack? I believein compassion. Isn't that enough? If rational argument rarely sustains compassion, what does work? Plenty of people "believe in" compassion but can they do it when the survival instincts are raging? What is sympathy? How are "compassion"and "sympathy"so different in psychic practice? Sympathy vs. compassion in marriage	images.exoticindiaart.com
~~ H. H. Dalai Lama	Compassionis the desire for another to have freedom from suffering. Loveis the desire for another to have happiness.
Q: Namaskar. I have seen people depressed because they are emotionally detached, but for me the condition is reversed. I become depressed when I get too emotionally attached. Why is it so? ~~ Jai Ganesha.	A: Good question! In either case, whether attachment or detachment, the native has lost balance. Excessive attachment is control obsession and it is driven by fear. Deficient attachment is also control obsession and it is also driven by fear. The balanced view of relationships is based in a central commitment to conduct all relationships with compassionate neutrality. It will be beneficial to observe the relationship, and to observe the other human being with whom one is engaged in relationship, with neutral intelligence. Relationships and Desires p>All human beings participate in relationships with other humans. Everyone is " hard-wired" with emotional needs and desires. However, it is also known that satisfying the desires does not eliminate the desires. After one desire is satisfied, there are more and more and more desires just waiting to push up to the surface of mental attention. Next, one will want more money, or a better education for the children, etc etc. I talked with a man recently who said, he planned to divorce his wife if she did not lose weight. He desired that she should look a certain way, fitting into a certain size of dress. His desire for control was consuming him, and his fear (which underlies obsessive control behaviors) was on track to destroy his marriage with a very nice woman. It was so sad to watch his desire for control destroying his desire to be married. Cycle of Desire (Samsara) The cycle of desire is virtually endless for normal human beings. (There are some visionaries who have figured out how to end the cycle, e.g., Gautama Budha, but these folk are very rare.) It is permanent and inescapable and yet it is the source of great unhappiness. Getting back in balance The first step toward objectivity in dealing with desires might indeed be depression or apathy Anger (which underlies depression) and apathy, are quite reasonable emotional responses to seeing the reality of the problem. One might be tempted to abandon all relationships, if the feeling of dissatisfaction and unwholeness can be predicted to get worse not better over time. This realization drives plenty of people into monasteries, where the physical needs for food clothing and shelter can be met without engaging in too many demanding emotional relationships, and people do respect each other's practice. However normal people will remain out in the world, and we normal people will need to do battle with issues of attachment and desire. For us lay people, even more than for a monk or a nun, the challenge to center our relationships in a perspective of compassionate neutrality is critically important to win. Depression, Survival Fear, and Fear of Rejection Depression is the surface expression of repressed anger, and underneath anger there is fear. As one enters a relationship, full of hopes expectations and desires, one also carries forward anger over failures of the past, and underneath that anger is fear of rejection. The fear of rejection is deeply terrifying at the level of the reptile brain. The old part of the human brain is programmed for basic survival at any cost. Humans cannot live alone. We must live in groups or we will die. We are fragile, inter-dependent beings and we must have contact with other humans. So, if one digs down through the levels of motivation as to what the !? is happening with all of this action-reaction, excess attachment/detachment, it is all being driven by the core fear of rejection, and the fact is that fear of rejection is a very, very deep natural brain process. Having fear is not a moral failing. Fear is appropriate.But to be a bit more happy, one might look compassionately at one's own fears. Start by being nice and accepting toward oneself. Consider that, at a deep level, one might be rejecting oneself, perhaps through self-criticism or self-denial. Start with compassion toward the self. Then, build outward. Anyone with whom one will enter into a relationship, whether for five minutes during a purchase in a shop, or for a lifetime as a spouse or family member, this person will have their own fear of rejection. This person will be surging with desires just like oneself, and be negotiating internally, with a complex inner narrative that is talking in their inner ear, just like oneself. When approaching this person, appreciate that no matter how wonderful that person may appear, it is a matter of fact that this person cannot satisfy all or even most of one's desires. And furthermore, it is a matter of cold fact that one cannot satisfy all or even most of that friend's desires. Desire is bigger than all of us. Appreciate the limitations on human relationships. Don't go overboard - either retreating from human contact (excessive detachment) or plunging headlong into fantasy of total completion or "redemption" through human relationship (excessive attachment). Both imbalances are crazy-making. Rather, assume a more compassionate motivation. Neutral basis of exchange: help and respect The leading questions when entering a balanced relationship should be, "What do I have to offer this person? How can I assist, without sacrificing my own life force? Do I have a skill or intelligence to contribute? What can I ask the partner to contribute to me? Do they have a skill that supports and improves my life? Does this person want to enter into exchange with me on this basis?" Compassionate relationships are fair, balanced, and respectful. Relationships based on compassion are less reactive because they are based on a perspective that the other person is not an object to control, but rather a free willed human being almost exactly like oneself. It is especially important to appreciate that one's partners and family members will have their own fears. Compassion is a powerful tool for dealing with fear in relationships. Our human brains are programmed to contain survival fear, and fear is a permanent part of our lives. But if one can identify and acknowledge the fear in oneself and in another, then one need not react to it. Reaction becomes an option, not an obligation. One can skillfully manage it. Interrupting the Cycle of Fear and Hurt BTW compassion is not dull or boring, and it does not take the passion out of relationships! Compassionate folks tend to enjoy their lives and their romances deeply and fully. Compassion provides the benefit of seeing the other person as a complete, whole other person - much less as a projected image of one's own anxieties. Complete, whole other persons are very interesting! The other main advantage of conducting one's relationships with compassion is that one can avoid the depression caused by pain from anger, betrayal, and catastrophic disappointment while retaining most of the good and necessary pleasures of human interaction. Successful, supportive relationships depend on keeping oneself in balance. Neither too attached nor too detached. The balance point is not in the "relationship" or in the other person. The balance point is in the center of the self.
H.H. Dalai Lama. (1997). A Policy of Kindness: An Anthology of Writings By and About the Dalai Lama Compiled and edited by Sidney Piburn, foreword by Sen. Claiborne Pell.	Question: A person, particularly in the West, must have the foundation of humility, honesty and an ethical way of life. Once one has this foundation, what else does Your Holiness suggest that one cultivate in one's life, if there is the foundation of virtue, ethics and humility? DL:The next thing to be cultivated is mental stabilization. Ethics is a method to control oneself -- it is a defensive action. Our actual enemy, you see, is within ourselves. The afflicted emotions (pride, anger, jealousy) are our real enemies. These are the real trouble makers, and they are to be found within ourselves. The actual practice of religion consists of fighting against these inner enemies. As in any war, first we must have a defensive action, and in our spiritual fight against the negative emotions, ethics is our defense. Knowing that at first one is not fully prepared for offensive action, we first resort to defensive action and that means ethics. But once one has prepared one's defenses, and has become somewhat accustomed to ethics, then one must launch one's offensive. Here our main weapon is wisdom. This weapon of wisdom is like a bullet, or maybe even a rocket, and the rocket launcher is mental stabilization or calm abiding. In brief, once you have a basis in morality or ethics, the next step is to train in mental stabilization and eventually in wisdom.
Q: Congratulations by your site. I have a question. I´m reading your article about sorcery, black magic, etc. This theme is commonly a coarse/refined way to the perception of subtle realities. In this email i will not discuss about witchcraft, only i can talk about this issue: You refer a case with a man with Ketu in 7 house, where in this specific case, he has "boundary issues" in relationships. We can imagine that this man is not adviced, or simply he want to continue in this harmful way to the girl. What is the way to resolve the problem? Thank you and blessings to you	A: Abandon all attachment to superstition In all cases of victimization, it is essential for the victim-person to do two things. (1) Abandon superstition. (2) Accept responsibility (without guilt) for the conditions of one's own life. These two decisions are required. If one is in the victim role, it is necessary to abandon ego attachment to being a victim. Many people endure a great deal of suffering due to their attachment to the victim mind. Like an actor who is offered an interesting theatrical role but he says "no" to the possible role because he does not want to repeat that script, the victim-person should vigilantly refuse to accept the role. This decision happens inside the person's own mind. No one can change the mind of another person. Each person controls their own mind. Superstition is a lie. Therefore, do not try to change other people. It will not work. Change one's own self. That will work very successfully. For the man who is the predator, he is building up some nasty karma if he is harming another person. Of course he is ignorant. However the same truth applies. It is not possible to change another person. If you are the observer in this situation, you can decide not to observe it. If you are the parent, you can take rational actions to protect your child. If you are the victim, you can take rational actions to block the predatory invasion of the unwanted energy. Decision to take responsibility and act rationally The big struggle is to overcome the irrational habit of believing that other people can control us. This is false. But wrong beliefs to which people are deeply attached can cause a tremendous amount of suffering, even when the beliefs are false. So, in the end, if other people are stuck in a web of ignorance, superstition, and false beliefs, there is not much power available to you to change the other people. Only compassion and selfless service (seva) will help. Parents must act - but rationally, with clarity and positive intent Again, if you are the parent of a child who is being victimized, you can accept parental responsibility to do whatever rational action is necessary to protect your child. If you are an adult victim, abandon superstition and accept responsibility then look rationally at what needs to change in one's own behavior. The victim does not know it because of their ignorance, but they are "matching" the energy of the predator (who is also ignorant). Compassion for the Victim, Compassion for the Predator The victim can decide to strengthen their protective aura and to ask for help from the community. The victim can decide to take their power given by God to protect the self so that life can be lived to its fullest beauty and intelligence. The predator with boundary issues can also claim his God-given power to monitor his own behavior so that he will, as a personal decision for life, "do no harm". Even if he cannot find the proper boundaries in social relationships, he can take a religious vow to "do no harm". And he will need to practice this vow very attentively. In the end, attention to one's own situation, the decision to accept full responsibility for everything which occurs in one's life, and the commitment to express compassion for all other people -- these are the only things that work to improve our lives. Wishing you best success, sincerely, Barbara Pijan Lama, Jyotisha

Next, one will want more money, or a better education for the children, etc etc. I talked with a man recently who said, he planned to divorce his wife if she did not lose weight. He desired that she should look a certain way, fitting into a certain size of dress. His desire for control was consuming him, and his fear (which underlies obsessive control behaviors) was on track to destroy his marriage with a very nice woman. It was so sad to watch his desire for control destroying his desire to be married.