tadyatha om gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
Common Sense vs. Love
How Adult Survival Skills Can Prevent Happiness
How to be Foolish Enough to Be Loved
Letter from a client wanting a better quality of life:
Q: For several years, I have been in love with a person who also loves me. We enjoyed one tryst, then we separated for fear of disrupting our lives.
We are now in our 60's with professions, estates, and prestige to consider. I think and dream constantly of this person; I feel intense chemistry when we are together in a professional setting (often); and I feel that some day we will be together. My 'other half' verbally confirms similar feelings. However we do not touch.
Realistically, I understand that my beloved would need to contradict their own moral principles and make unthinkable changes in their family life in order to be with me. There are so many reasons why it might not work ...but I want this love to work. What should I do?
The answers to your questions about materializing a love affair on the physical plane have less to do with desire and more to do with faith and "permission".
You are such a pleasant, respectful, and dignified person that releasing your normal, well-behaved way of thinking about manifestation may present a significant learning curve.
Some possible suggestions.
One of the central resistance factors in your Jyotisha chart which prevents things from happening is that you have a very "adult" sense of how things happen.
You understand the process and value of orderly behavior in the corporate world.
You understand the value of self-discipline, self-management, self-control.
You understand how to forestall short-term desires in order to make progress toward longer-term goals. These are all praiseworthy virtues in a civilized adult.
However, all of these sensible, mature virtues are obstacles to love.
In your written note you mention how much you desire the physical embrace of the man you love. Next you state a list of specific conditions which must be met in order for you to realize this desire.
This setting of limits and conditions is the essence of the resistance.
In order to have the love you want, it is required to be ridiculously open to it. I say ridiculously because it feels silly (in the beginning) for an accomplished, mature adult citizen to act like a silly kindergartener.
But I'm serious.
You have to give up all your adult information about how things work and what is realistic and give up your disappointment and fear of rejection and all the other ego protections that you (and all adults) have built up since preschool.
You'll have to give up trying to control the love process.
I know that giving up control of any section of one's life is difficult for adults. You are the type of adult for whom giving up control is the most difficult. You have created a very respectable, responsible career and rational, independent lifestyle marked with sensible, sustained adult behaviors that respect the power of time, money, and reasonableness. Crucially important, you have accomplished your dignified adult life as a single person: on your own.
I have every respect for your accomplishments and so do the people around you. Your Jyotisha chart displays tremendous maturity.
However, in love, maturity does not work in your favor.
Maturity works well at work, in the place of worship, serving others charitably, when parenting, paying taxes, planning vacations... Almost all of the rational, socially responsible functions we perform within our extended family, corporate and community lives benefit from realistic, mature thinking.
Yet, maturity is the Kiss of Death in love.
The Jyotisha chart is a map of the astral body. The astrology chart shows the subtle, psycho-emotional body.
We have several distinctive bodies which are interlaced with each other. The psycho-emotional body is too subtle to touch, smell, taste etc. but it is very easy to perceive emotionally.
There is no "thinking" going on in the emotional body. There is a separate body called the causal body that does the thinking.
The physical body is an animal body which mainly eats and reproduces.
The big action in human life though is not eating and reproducing; the big action which consumes most of our attention in this life is feeling and thinking.
I can see in the Jyotisha chart that your astral body, where your emotions live, is getting plenty of interference from your survival instincts which trigger your thinking body into overdrive. You are locked into a pattern of self-protection that oppresses your emotional freedom.
The pattern is physical repression on one side and mental repression on the other side that is squeezing your emotions to death. Your love energy is getting squeezed like Superman getting squeezed between two steel walls.
Unless you consciously release some of your fear of disappointment, loss of dignity, and loss of control, the emotional life will be squeezed to death.
Adults are survivors. Adults have figured out what to expect from their environment. Adults don't make stupid mistakes like kids do. But adults also get sour and disappointed by life, whereas kids are generally happy even if they are kinda dumb.
We humans here in the prosperous west have just emerged from thousands of years of obsession with survival. Until recently there wasn't enough food and war was everywhere. Even though we humans have special brains (the basic animal brain plus two other "new" brains) we couldn't use them for much besides survival.
Normal adult behavior - behavior that society admires and rewards - is all about predicting what other people are likely to do in various settings and developing responses to predictable behaviors. We know what to expect and what is expected of us. Investing our energies in rational prediction has definitely worked for us as a society. We are powerful survivors.
Let's presume that the food supply is good and we're not at war. What is the most important thing after survival? It's love! That's what everybody wants now! Love, relationships, romance, poetry, soul validation.
Great! Let's do it!
But most people have trouble finding love and keeping it. Even if they "fall in love" temporarily they can't sustain it, so they split up and go through the cycle of love, disappointment, etc. again. Most people are serious repeat offenders in love. This is because most people are using their mental survival skills - using their built-up "smart" toolkit of predicting what others will do and avoiding getting hurt or starving - to run their love lives.
Big mistake. Easy to appreciate how it happens, but big mistake.
In fact, having love requires dumping all of your survival skills And being open like a silly little child.
But wait, silly little children die first in war and famine!
Absolutely right. Trusting, naïve children die first.
In the areas of life where we still have some survival needs, such as going to work, paying bills, staying physically healthy, etc. our adult knowledge of PREDICTION and PROTECTION remains critically important.
We adults make agreements and promises with other adults and we build a very robust mental toolkit of behavior expectations in various social environments.
Where food, clothing, and shelter are concerned I am not recommending cheerful innocence at all.
Even in our relatively peaceful middle class communities with a steady food supply, we need consistent mature judgment about "the way things work" to avoid still-dangerous consequences like homelessness, drug addiction, or becoming victims of crime. I'm all for being smart and predictive in these survival areas!
Love however is something else entirely. Love is the OPPOSITE of survival intelligence. Love requires trust.
If you believe in a deity you can transfer your trust to that deity; but it works just fine to trust natural goodness, trust your own soul's direction, or trust a generic sense of the divine. Really, one trusts oneself.
Love is a feeling that comes from our "new brains", the extra brains that developed on top of the reptile brain stem that controls our "fight or flight" response. The reptile brain is constantly telling us to watch out for threats, be careful, and get enough to eat. Constantly. The reptile brain signals our "new brains" - the reasoning brain, and the intuitive love brain - to focus their powers on defensive prediction of human behavior.
For most people, that's what happens. Their love intelligence is dominated by fear signals coming from the reptile brain. They might get a little love but it never lasts. The reptile brain is so anxious and society rewards people so much for surviving that our capacity to love, to trust, to be totally immersed in divine embrace with no boundaries, filled with warm light of holiness - this capacity is never much used. Its function is overruled by the reptile brain.
So... how to get more love? How to get any love at all?
The first helpful act toward getting love is giving oneself permission to feel like a kindergartener. the key word is PERMISSION. The key to love is PERMISSION.
In the area of human relations, increasing maturity means increasing certainty about what to expect from other people. In your case, you are quite sure that this person whom you love, would have to follow certain preliminary steps in order to be with you. They must (1) make the first move so that your dignity is protected (2) abandon their moral principles (3) make catastrophic changes in their family arrangements, and (4) all of these actions are motivated by the other person, not by you.
In the love world, your very sensible beliefs about "how things work" are huge obstacles to your happiness. IMO, your reptile brain has appropriated your love brain here. Your assessment of "what has to happen" is "right" in rational terms, correct from the point of view of an experienced socialized adult survivor. But its absolutely wrong from the love perspective!
Consider the kindergarten view. (1) they must make a first move.
Let's say they don't.. Let's say something else happens, and you're not going to try to predict (gasp!) what that something else is. You are going to tell the divine that you love this person and you want to be held by them, with no further specifications.
It's an old saw that in love, one cannot tell God how to do her job! Abandon your expectations along with the survival fears that creates the expectations. There can be other ways to connect that do not require the other person to make a move. Your rational intelligence - which serves you well in the survival areas - is actually blocking development of the connection moment by setting restrictions on how it can happen.
TAKE OFF THE LIMITS ON WHAT "must" HAPPEN AND IN WHAT ORDER. Let the divine manage it for you. If the union hasn't worked in five years but you are still in love, chances are you need another strategy!
Trying outsourcing - to the Divine.
(2) they must abandon their moral principles. Let's say they don't have to. Let's say the divine has many clever ways of doing things and that (shockingly) we do not actually comprehend the magnificence of full divine power. Let go and let God. Moral principles are a social survival device and they do not particularly affect love which is a much bigger, much more subtle cosmic force.
But without rationalizing, let us simply abandon any preconception about what "has to happen".
Abandoning beliefs disarms the reptile brain and releases fear. Fear is the great obstacle to love. Your fear of disappointment causes Over-predicting, and the over-predicting shuts down the beautiful golden advertising energy in your aura that says "love me now - we both feel it - merge with me". That golden energy is so amazing and so compelling but it can be shut down by the cold grey energy of fear. Forget about moral principles, and forget about immoral principles. Forget about thinking, period. Just be in love, let the golden energy flow from your heart center, like a five year old in love with the magical universe. Like attracts like.
(3) They must make catastrophic changes to their family relationships. Baloney! Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but by blocking the love channels with heavy thinking about catastrophe and invoking the massive social-survival fears caused by breaking commitments, you are inadvertently casting a huge pall upon the aura of the love relationship.
Again, please repeat after me " let thy will be mine" - you get the idea! Insisting that love must conform to fear-based socialexpectations is doom for love. Love does not follow social rules. Love is the opposite of control, the opposite of reason, the opposite of fear...
"Catastrophic change" is a very scary, intimidating, angry picture. Blow it out of your space! Even if we allow ourselves to rationalize for a minute, socially speaking, it would be the Other who faced catastrophe not you. Maybe they need to carry around the huge greasy weight of punishment energy from loveless marriage or divorce in their own space, but geez don't carry it around for them! You have a lovely clear trusting positive always-open-to-love space around you.
Blast out this huge obstacle from your aura!
Remember "love" and "marriage" energetically are somewhat incommensurable! They are the province of Shukra and Shani respectively. Shukra and Shani are companionable planets, yes, but they control two different portfolios. Love is cosmic healing; marriage is a legal contract.
Our society, which is so amazingly successful survival-wise, has the downside of transforming EVERYTHING into rational survival thinking and as a result we are unfortunately, particularly confused on this key distinction. Most societies have a clear understanding that love is a voluntary personal relationship, but marriage is a legal contract for transmitting wealth and property to the next generation.
Really now, let's abandon this preconception that they "must" or "must not" change their legal status. Thinking about legal implications at all is just so exhausting and it completely saps the voluntary love energy, transforming the whole blissful opportunity of connecting with another human into a guilt-ridden punishment space. Forget about it!!
(4) these are the Other's choices, not yours.
OOPS. Error! What I am going to say will probably contradict everything you have been taught to believe, but remember that our beliefs were given to us by the adults who raised us -- as survival devices. Kindergarteners don't have beliefs. Kindergarteners live in a world of permeable boundaries, miracles, and magic. Beliefs about "how things work" are for survival. They're not for love or deep merging or even much enjoyment. Beliefs about how things work, Are for survival.
To have love, to enter the " kingdom of heaven" of merging with divine bliss, it is necessary to abandon one's beliefs about how things work and what is " impossible" and see things from the kindergartener's point of view.
In fact it is not their choice. It is your choice. What they are doing is a function of what you subconsciously expect them to do. You probably don't realize it but your subconscious expectations are programming your beloved's responses to you.
Our partners are actors on a movie screen. You are producing and directing this movie in real time. We each create our own reality on a minute-to-minute basis. We create the casting, we create the scenes. It is all one big huge projection. Everyone is projecting on everyone else. It is all agreed in advance. But the agreements can be changed at any time -- the minute one recognizes that one is actually carrying out an agreement!
The cool thing is that each individual is completely in charge of what happens "to" them. Actually, nothing happens "to" anyone, there are no victims, but it feels much of the time like things are happening "to" us because we are not paying attention to how we are projecting our subconscious expectations upon the world around us.
The truth is that we are simply walking through a complex dance of agreements that we have made before birth with all of the partners we have in the current life. I mean partners as in everyone with whom we have a relationship, from parent/child+Lover all the way down to trivial transactions like dry cleaner and bank teller, all of these relationships are scripted.
The scripts are stored in the subconscious. They are hard to get to because we *believe* there are no scripts and that things just happen randomly and that we have to put all our energy into surviving random attacks and sudden starvation. Yep, that's the reptile brain talking. Inappropriately using our new brain that can connect us with divine love, to generate beliefs that enhance survival - but block love!
There *are* scripts which dictate interactions in relationships, and we can change them as soon as we realize what is going on.
Look into your expectations. Do you really expect to be love unconditionally, or do you secretly expect to be denied the love that will nourish your soul because your parents told you - overtly or covertly - that you are not deserving of true love? That is worth checking out because that is a very likely unconscious love-seeking script stored in the subconscious.
Your Moon receives the very strong aspect of exalted Saturn and that makes parents replace love with performance. As an adult the child cannot accept pure love, and blocks pure love because the adult-child believes unconditional love is "impossible". In place of love, the adult-child can only accept praise coming from good behavior, which their parents used in place of love.
(And usually this was how their parents were raised too. Respectable, responsible, hardworking but love is always conditional, which means that love isn't really love. What the parents do because of their own cultural and emotional handicap is substitute good-behavior praise for healing, unconditional love. The unhealed child, though lonely, accepts this arrangement, and perpetrates it.)
There are other additional astrological factors such as Venus the love planet being oppressed by an intrigue-prone Mercury. This "script" is often traced to the subconscious expectations of the mother. It is worth inquiring as to whether your mom (or primary female nurturer) believed in pure love, or whether she substituted another concept for love - such as one of the "artificial" survival replacements: marital duty, or good public behavior, or emotional manipulation, or other coarse or dishonest (at worst) replacements for love.
This habit of substituting public respectability or reproductive hormonesor some other belieffor the pure energy of love often occurs in people whose childhood trauma prevented them from receiving unconditional acceptance.
They didn't get access to love, they didn't really feel it, and even while they go through life hungry for it, they actually don't believe it's possible to deserve love. So, they live their lives as systematic love-preventing machines. If your mom sent out signals like this, encouraging independence and common sense while at the same time suggesting that external survival is "all there is", there may well be such a subconscious script operating in your life.
The parents who grew up in traumatic times like the Great Depression, or were victims of war, are much more likely to be non-believers in love, but private wars like alcoholism or mental illness also drive love out.
If you find a script like that, look into your love relationships for a repeat of the subtle but constant message from your parents suggesting that public performance, being a good child and following the rules in school and being clean, respecting, and independent make you a worthy person -- but unconditional love is not for you.
Check that out. I think it' s a likely suspect because you have such a mature, friendly, and independent chart with heavy oppression of the love planets: Moon and Venus. In other words, I think the magic kindergartener was pretty effectively suppressed by parental signaling that no love is going to be forthcoming. You can get praised for being a good child, an social performer - and that's it.
No matter what your script actually says, the fact is that we program our lovers to confirm and reconfirm our basic, subconsciously heldexpectations about love.
The Harville Hendrix books can be helpful in seeing this repeating playout. They are not outdated: the basic psychology is eternally true. Harville Hendrix is a pastor and psychologist who found a clear, gentle way of exposing how people re-enact their childhoods in their adult love relationships - and how to heal that childhood trauma withinadult love relationships.
|Love is the center of human life.
H.H. Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso
"As a friend, my request and wish is that...you try to promote a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood. We must promote compassion and love; this is our real duty.
Government has too much business to have time for these things. As private persons we have more time to think along these lines -- how to make a contribution to human society by promoting the development of compassion and a real sense of community.
... If someone who easily gets angry tries to control his or her anger, in time it can be controlled.
The same is true for a selfish person; first that person must realize the faults of a selfish motivation and the benefit in being less selfish.
Having realized this, one trains in it, trying to control the bad side and develop the good. As time goes by, such practice can be effective. This is the only alternative.
Without love, human society is in a very difficult state; without love, in the future we will face tremendous problems.
Love is the center of human life."
|Desire, unreasonable and reasonable
H.H.Tenzin Gyatso. (2006). How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships. Jeffrey Hopkins (Trans.and Ed.)Atria Pub.
"Attachment increases desire, without producing any satisfaction.
There are two types of desire, unreasonable and reasonable.
The first is an affliction founded on ignorance, but the second is not.
To live, you need resources; therefore, desire for sufficient material things is appropriate. Such feelings as, "This is good; I want this. This is useful," are not afflictions.
It is also desirable to achieve altruism, wisdom, and liberation.
This kind of desire is suitable; indeed, all human development comes out of desire, and these aspirations do not have to be an affliction.
...when you have attachment to material things, it is best to desist from those very activities that promote more attachment.
Satisfaction is helpful when it comes to material things, but not with respect to spiritual practice.
Objects to which we become attached are something to be discarded, whereas spiritual progress is something to be adopted -- it can be developed limitlessly, even in old age."
"And now my friends,
all that is true, all that is noble,
all that is just and pure,
all that is loveable and gracious,
whatever is excellent and admirable -
fill all your thoughts with these things."
~~ Epistle to the Philippians 4:8
updated:23 April 2013
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