Guilt Grief Male Female energy - Barbara Pijan Lama Jyotisha

You have given the answer to your own question. Of course he is enslaved to his mother.

Mama is not just the epicenter of moral choice. She is the set menu for all of his emotional options. If Mama had a behavior, a man will look for a mate who has that behavior. If Mama didn't do it, the man won't need it, want it, or recognize it emotionally. He simply won't pick up the signal, if he wasn't trained on that signal by his Mama.

Extremely rare that any man will change this basic give-and-take, push-and-pull dynamic set with Mama in utero and continued according to HER emotional needs, throughout childhood. (and if he has an adopted mother, it is that much more complex emotionally because he has two or more sets of primitive recognition/response signals...)

If Mama is a guilt freak (and most Mamas are) then baby boy learns to keep her love and attention coming in on that vibe. Extremely rare to change that. It's very core and very comfortable, no matter how dysfunctional the results.

So... if you've got a mega guilt boy with a professionally educated mother, it is likely that this (40-yr-old) boy is profoundly attracted to your ethic of social obligation, family responsibility, commitment to get the job done right, personal integrity in group process, etc. These are highlights of moral character in public life but in private relationships the same sense of "responsibility" unless it is very consciously managed, translates into guilt.

Guilt is that terrible bondage feeling of "have to". 'Guilt' in English comes from O.E. gieldan "to pay for, debt." Ideally it is internalized in utero as mama talks to her baby, saying 'when you come out I want you to do this and be like that" - already the sense of responsibility for following through on Mama's expectations, for keeping the love alive, is planted deep in the baby's cellular memory.

It's planted deep for the girl baby too, but she will get to dump off her excessive guilt onto her own children. The boy is just sort of stuck with it, and of course he gets toxic from too much demanding female energy in his space. IMO men REALLY need to learn to release this stuck female energy out of their space since it ends up poisoning their love relationships with women... but this is too rare ... and I digress.

In English the modal verbs of obligation = "must, have to" and the modal verbs of recommendation = "should, ought to" etc. So an English-speaking woman who has a strong vocabulary of "must" and "should" (and their variants) is going to feel emotionally very comfortable and secure to a guilt-boy. He'll fall in love.

Unfortunately it isn't ridiculous that a man with a highly dignified Chandra would have married from responsibility rather than love. It's very sensible given how you describe his mother (and the Moon characteristics in his Jyotisha). I totally agree that if he stays in his current, loveless, guilt marriage, you wouldn't want him anyway. That choice would prove his psycho-emotional bondage to his mother is simply too tight to pry open. He's too damaged.

As usual, an attitude of duty and personal responsibility which works so well in professional life, is malfunctional in intimate relationships unless it's consciously managed. The Moon is so prominent, in this man's radix karma bhava - and in swashetra. His primary emotional validation = professional, not personal.

The sad fact is that no matter how admired the native may be in professional life, so long as their emotional guilt bondage is unconscious and reactive, they will live out their years as a slave to "must, should, and have to." The main profits of this behavior is money, title, and community respect. All worthy, but also, all temporal. All exterior to the soul. None "portable" across incarnations.

With guilt, there is no spiritual freedom. The lack of spiritual freedom is compensated often by material freedom to buy objects and experiences. (Granted by a society which greatly values the work duty.) But few people find lasting creative satisfaction in the act of buying or owning an inanimate object. Buying is a temporary rush of "permission". And many people do get addicted to "buying power" as a substitute for love. Unfortunately it's a dead end...

The Healer Mother. The professionalized ones are nurses, teachers, and social workers. A needy, "selfless" mother will bind her children too tightly, in the attempt to externalize her self, to try to "see" and "manage" herself.

If the children have a healthy dose of human spirit, they will crave freedom and creativity - and they will rebel against control which exceeds the reasonable need for safety.

covertly in order not to jeopardize their social standing. They find escape routes. They live through their children. They gamble. They drink. They have affairs.

They usually don't get divorced if there are small children involved, because guilt tends to quite over-rule the spiritual freedom instinct where parenting (Mama) is concerned. However the typical strong, highly placed Chandra, receiving drishti of Shani or other social constraining forces, will typically cause a "covert" style of rebellion. When the Moon is high and strong, the native undertakes a path toward authentic emotional interaction which also protects their public moral image. This almost always requires a public marriage to be maintained.

Judging almost exclusively by the match of his Chandra characteristics to your Rahu/Ketu lagna, I'd say that this fellow is as much emotionally attracted to your master-trained sense of social and personal responsibility as he is to your female beauty, artistic gifts, poetic imagination etc. Despite incipient passions, he probably couldn't convert you into a sordid, underground amour. He probably couldn't even put you on the liberated pedestal of Other, the purely creative Muse. For good or evil, you're what the yuppie boys call 'Marriage Material' - a top-quality package with all the Right Stuff for the full upper middle class partnership. Just like Mama had with Daddy.

Emotionally, men follow women. They can't ask for directions :) but they do follow women's emotional lead. Perhaps there is some chance for the guilt-ridden male to escape his bondage if the female can properly direct him. She has to know what she is saying and doing in the relationship, and why.

Go to work on one's own guilt. Like attracts like. You have attracted this fellow through the magic of matching energy. If nothing else, the difficulties of this relationship create an opportunity to become conscious of and begin to release one's own bondage to mother-guilt. Looking back, you will be very glad you realized this opportunity to create a higher level of spiritual freedom for yourself.

"As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can't see how it is. "

Regret and Sadness

"Howard Cutler:"Have there been situations in your life that you've regretted?"

Dalai Lama: "Oh, yes.

Now for instance there was one older monk who lived as a hermit. He used to come to see me to receive teachings, although I think he was actually more accomplished than I and came to me as a sort of formality.

Anyway, he came to me one day and asked me about doing a certain high-level esoteric practice.
I remarked in a casual way that this would be a difficult practice and perhaps would be better undertaken by someone who was younger, that traditionally it was a practice that should be started in one's mid-teens.
I later found out that the monk had killed himself in order to be reborn in a younger body to more effectively undertake the practice..."

Surprised by this story, I remarked, "Oh, that's terrible! That must have been hard on you when you heard..."

The Dalai Lama nodded sadly. "How did you deal with that feeling of regret? How did you eventually get rid of it?"

The Dalai Lama silently considered for quite a while before replying, "I didn't get rid of it. It's still there. But even though that feeling of regret is still there, it isn't associated with a feeling of heaviness or a quality of pulling me back.

It would not be helpful to anyone if I let that feeling of regret weigh me down, be simply a source of discouragement and depression with no purpose, or interfere with going on with my life to the best of my ability."

At that moment, in a very visceral way, I was struck once again by the very real possibility of a human being's fully facing life's tragedies and responding emotionally, even with deep regret, but without indulging in excessive guilt or self-contempt.

The possibility of a human being's wholly accepting herself or himself, complete with limitations, foibles, and lapses of judgment.
The possibility of recognizing a bad situation for what it is and responding emotionally, but without over-responding.

The Dalai Lama sincerely felt regret over the incident he described but carried his regret with dignity and grace.

And while carrying this regret, he has not allowed it to weigh him down, choosing instead to move ahead and focus on helping others to the best of his ability.

~~ H.H. Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D., The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living. www.snowlionpub.com