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Jyotisha Practice


in marriage and in life

living with "hap" consciousness


Yellow Tara

Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chödrön, pages 35-36


"Milarepa, the twelfth-century Tibetan yogi who sang wonderful songs about the proper way to meditate, said that the mind has more projections than there are dust motes in a sunbeam and that even hundreds of spears couldn't put an end to that.

As meditators we might as well stop struggling against our thoughts and realize that honesty and humor are far more inspiring and helpful than any kind of solemn religious striving for or against anything. "

Consciously Managing the Expectations Gap hap = "to occur, to manifest, to eventuate"










Replace bitterness and regret with sweet appreciation and acceptance
  • Avoid the guilt-bearing language of should and ought to

  • The better part of HAP-piness " in life seems to be the direct result of managing the expectations gap

Conflict between Expectation and Reality

Most psycho-emotional suffering is caused not by daily reality, and not by psychic expectation, but rather by the Conflict between Reality and Expectation.

expectations arise in the form of hopes, dreams, desires, ambitions, and all the other subconscious programming from childhood, family culture, and social culture. expectations are coded with judgments of "good" or"bad", "praiseworthy" or "reprehensible", "success " or "failure".


The ego-membrane is the interface cell membrane that is situated between the individual self and the social self.

It is a psycho-emotional organ with a complex structure.

It functions like a coin with two sides. However the outer surface is a one-way mirror while the inner surface is a two-way mirror. The ego-membrane presents a facade of the individual to judging society, and on the obverse social values and expectations stream in to the individual self.

Ego management means managing that pepetually interactive cell membrane.

The ego-membrane is built entirely from:

It is engaged in the activity of forming and responding to:

  • judgments and reactions to judgments toward Definitions and Expectations

It is busy! The ego-membrane never sleeps.

Expectations readable in the Jyotisha nativity = reincarnated desires

expectations and affinities are vividly marked in the Jyotisha nativity. The presence of expectations already coded at birth provides evidence that the bulk of one's unconscious expectations are ported in from previous lives. Each lifetime is tasked to consciously develop expectations and responses to expectations.

Perhaps appreciating that one may have been dragging a set of unfulfilled expectations around through a number of lifetimes may help motivate the native to get conscious of these factors and take steps to resolve the psychic conflict that causes so much mental and emotional pain.

But whether one subscribes to a theory of reincarnation or not, the situation in the present lifetime is clearly fraught with anger, frustration, and suffering. There is enough motivation in even one day of modern life to encourage starting work on the solution!



Reality itself is "really" no problem. Reality is what it is. The brain processes all incoming perceptual data equally, without judgment or prejudice.

However, many people experience this fundamentally neutral stream of incoming sense data as a trigger of deep anxiety due to anger, frustration, disappointment and criticism.

Criticism is the toxin

It is the psychic charge of judgmental criticism upon the items in the data stream -- never the neutral reality of the data stream itself - which causes such bitter unhappiness.
Red flag warning word = Should

The presence of a painful and unwanted gap between expectation and reality is signaled in Germanic languages by the "deontic" past-tense modal verbs of obligation.

In linguistic theory, deontic verbs are sometimes called "control verbs". Psychically, these control verbs take control of one's sense of the meaning of an event. What is in its true nature a simple data point becomes, under the influence of the control verbs, a moment of incompleteness, sadness, or regret.

Deontic modal verbs in three Germanic languages

Adapted from:

English (pres, past)

German (sing, pres)

Dutch (sing, pres)

can - could



shall - should



want - would



must - must have



may - might

mag [möchten]


have to - had to

These mismatch-signal , gap warning words in English are highlighted in yellow in the table above. The biggest flag to watch out for in English is the deontic modal verb"should".

The idiomatic English phrase "cudda-wudda-shudda" is a popular way of stating disappointment and regret.

First step toward freedom

There is one easy first practical step toward reducing the vindictive, angry, self-critical, other-blaming, and anxiety-ridden psychic charge (it is actually a measurable if subtle electrical charge) that most people feel when they sense failure, insult, inadequacy, and disappointment.

That step is to commit to close the gap between Expectation and Reality.

One's decision to start correct the mismatch will give immediate mental health benefits.

The downside: alienation from negative minds

The possible downside of this highly positive and life-affirming decision is somewhat ironic, but true. When starting on the path of closing the "gap" between expectation and reality, many people experience angry reactions from family members or colleagues.

The angry associates accuse the native of selfishness, abandoning their ideals, or giving up the fight for justice. These angry reactors are so deeply defined by their blaming and "gap" experiences that they cannot imagine a life of compassionate acceptance and spiritual freedom.

Attachment to the Mismatch

Unfortunately is it common for human beings to be habituated to negative emotion.

Persons become strongly ego-identified with the experience of failure, disappointment.

Their social identity is substantially defined as "innocent victim" (outsiders responsible for the gap),"moral failure" (insiders responsible for the gap) or "unworthy" (deities responsible for the gap).

Many people live their entire lives in a state of deep emotional attachment to the experiences of disappointment, victimization, exploitation, fear, grief, guilt, debt, and other forms of judged injustice and incompleteness.

Their parents and their parents' parents thrived on the sick food of guilt and grief.

When one has reached the point of full saturation (bhava-2) with these familiar toxins and begins to search for spiritual alternatives, although one may be existing in a toxic state of self-criticism and doubt, nevertheless, a positive change can begin.


~~ H. H. Dalai Lama

Compassion is the desire for another to have freedom from suffering.

Love is the desire for another to have happiness.


updated:21 February 2019

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