tadyatha om gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
" As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can't see how it is."
~~ Ram Dass
Guilt - Grief - Shame
taking responsibility for the decisions of others
liability · blame · wrongdoing
criminal penalty · unlawfulness
misdoing · weight ofworry
delinquency · sin · injustice
obligation to repair something that was broken by others
responsibility to return
heart-heaving following a core loss
sorrow · misery · sadness · anguish
psychic pain · distress
agony · torment · affliction · suffering · heartache
broken-heartedness · heavy-heart · woe
final, unrecoverable loss
Masculine psychic valence energies
Feminine psychic valence energies
Leave the Shame Behind by Chris Peters
English grief comes from grav -, (gravity, grave) = low to the ground, heavy , weight
QUOTATION from www.etymonline.com
lemma - WEIGHT
... is quintessentially feminine energy. Guilt is the emotional response to cyclical thinking. Guilt is a command To return, to revisit, to repair, to recycle.
is quintessentially masculine energy. Grief is the emotional "trickle-down" effect of linear thinking. Grief is a command to stop, don't go anywhere, give up, forget.
Morning in the burned house
by Margaret Atwood, published 1995
In the burned house I am eating breakfast.
You understand: there is no house, there is no breakfast,
Yet, here I am.
The spoon which was melted scrapes against
the bowl which was melted also.
No one else is around.
Where have they gone to, brother and sister,
mother and father? Off along the shore,
perhaps. Their clothes are still on the hangers,
their dishes piled beside the sink,
which is beside the woodstove
with its grate and sooty kettle,
every detail clear,
tin cup and rippled mirror.
The day is bright and songless,
the lake is blue, the forest watchful.
In the east a bank of cloud
rises up silently like dark bread.
I can see the swirls in the oilcloth,
I can see the flaws in the glass,
those flares where the sun hits them.
I can’t see my own arms and legs
or know if this is a trap or blessing,
finding myself back here, where everything
in this house has long been over,
kettle and mirror, spoon and bowl,
including my own body,
including the body I had then,
including the body I have now
as I sit at this morning table, alone and happy,
bare child’s feet on the scorched floorboards
(I can almost see)
in my burning clothes, the thin green shorts
and grubby yellow T-shiri
holding my cindery, non-existent,
radiant flesh. Incandescent.
Guilt pressure = should energy
Guilt is easy to find in one's psychic space. Guilt and regret are easy to find. Notice the should pressure all over the physical body.
Guilt is very easy to locate within one's psychic space. Feel the should pressure all over the body.
Psychics like to tell the joke about the four major guilt groups: mother, money, mate, and mouth.
Relationships with food, parents, spouse, and finance have more Should-ness than all other life narratives combined!
But don't limit the search for should to these core subjects.
should guilt shows up in many interesting places.. Should-energy is moral, and therefore ethnic, in origin. The primary Should vendor is mom, and grand-mom. However guilt can flow down its sludgy pipeline from any presumptively Protective source.
Grief = can't energy.
Grief is similarly easy to spot.
You can feel the can't pressure all over your body. Just start thinking about your major frustrations, blocks on what you believe you can't do . That's grief.
G uilt is passed from mother to daughter, down through the generations.
Of the four major guilt groups = the main one is Mother.
The most intensely felt Guilt is passed from mother to daughter.
Daughter soon has her own children and passes to them a learned experience of regret and sorrow for things not properly completed. Guilt = the heavy obligation energy that allows a mother to protect her children even when her children are not with her.
She trains them from infancy to psycho-emotionally return to the mind of the Mother. Children are bound in safety but also in guilt think of her, think of how she would feel, think of her sadness, anger, or disappointment if her children took undue risks.
Thus her maturing children eat good breakfasts, wear their coats in winter, and finish their homework - even when she's not looking. They do this because they are thinking of her, thinking of what she wants from them.
Looking at the history of civilizations, there is no doubt that guilt is a good and useful energy for cultural survival The moral component of guilt
Feminine Energy in grief
When emotionally healthy women feel too much"can't" pressure they have weeping breakdowns which allow them to purge the toxic amounts of grief in their space.
Masculine Energy in grief
Men don't necessarily feel bad when they are running large amounts of grief. They may feel a little stuck in grief, but they also feel secure in it. Men like linear process."Can't energy" is nice for them because it sets a limit on how long any cycle can run. That makes the cycle more linear and more easy to think about and control.
Women and Cyclical Energy
For women, nothing is more satisfying than an eternally long unbroken repeating cycle. The cycle of the generations, the menstrual cycle, the cycle of the seasons: these comforting repetitive dances of the life force can bring deep cleansing awareness and happiness to the healthy woman.
Men and Cyclical Energy
Too much cyclical energy is hard on men. Men like a big burst of productive drive, then a full stop . Like a sports game, or a short war - that's a nice playing energy for men. Huge and small eternal cycles are exhausting for men. No wonder men get so toxic from female energies like guilt!
Manipulation through Grief
Men manipulate women by injecting the men's excess grief, which is highly toxic to women, into the women's psychic space. Women are multi-taskers who need to keep moving .
Too much stop or can't energy [Shani] is very unpleasant in the female space. Women get horribly stuck when they are overloaded with the excess grief of the men around them - especially their fathers and husbands.
Feminine Energy Stuck in Grief
A common example is a woman serving as wife and homemaker who has gained weight and can't seem to lose it.
No matter what she tries, even if she can temporarily lose some of that stuck body-weight, it creeps back up on her body in no time at all.
She just"can't" unload the excess. Psychically, she is stuck in grief.
Male or males in her environment are throwing psychic monkey wrenches into her spinning feminine gears, in an attempt to slow her down and prevent her from taking over the universe.
Psychically, women can do anything. They can (and really naturally must) do two or three things pretty much all the time to stay at a nice female buzz. Feed the baby, fix the printer, dinner cooking on the stove, laundry washing, on the phone, planning events, staying in touch with family - that's a happy buzz for most psychically healthy women.
It goes stop when excess male energy - the calm, linear, single-process energy that male bodies know and love - jams up her space .
Feminine figure struggling with emotional rejection from a guilt-ridden masculine figure
[We had been looking at the Jyotisha dynamics of this man's Chandra (mother/emotions) characteristics.
The masculine figure was enduring an excruciating Sade-Sati. For 2.3 years, Sade-Sati greatly emphasized the effect of mother-guilt in his life)
Q: It seems like Mr. X (a middle aged, elite professionalized adult man) will never be able to make emotionally clear, independent decisions.
His mother has bound him tightly for his entire life.
He says that he loves me but he "shouldn't" be with me.
Where is that 'should' coming from?
Why can't he make the free choice to have love?
He is miserable without me, and I know it. You should read his letters... his passion is intense.
The healer in me wants to break him loose of his bondage... why can't he break "free" to love me?
| The nice thing about understanding a man's view of women
= it is not necessary to examine a long list of example women. (college girlfriends, wives etc.)
Go straight to La Mama.
You have given the answer to your own question. Naturally, in his state of low awareness, he can feel enslaved to his unackowledged feminine intuitive intelligence, represented in this lifetime by his mother.
Mama is not just the epicenter of moral choice. She is the set menu for all of his emotional options. If Mama had a behavior, a man will look for a mate who has that behavior. If Mama didn't do it, the man won't need it, want it, or recognize it emotionally. He simply won't pick up the signal, if he wasn't trained on that signal by his Mama.
Extremely rare for this masculine figure to change this basic give-and-take, push-and-pull dynamic set with Mama in utero and continued according to HER emotional needs, throughout childhood. (and if he has an adopted mother, it = much more complex emotionally because he has two or more sets of primitive recognition/response signals...)
If Mama is a guilt freak (and most Mamas are) then baby boy learns to keep her love and attention coming in on that vibe. Extremely rare to change that. It's very core and very comfortable, no matter how dysfunctional the results.
So... if you've got a mega guilt boy with a professionally educated mother, it is likely that this (40-yr-old) boy is profoundly attracted to your ethic of social obligation, family responsibility, commitment to get the job done right, personal integrity in group process, etc. These are highlights of moral character in public life but in private relationships the same sense of responsibility unless it is very consciously managed, translates into guilt.
Guilt = terrible bondage feeling of " have to" . The English word Guilt comes from O.E. gieldan"to pay for, debt."
Ideally it is internalized in uteroas mama talks to her baby, saying 'when you come out I want you to do this and be like that" - already the sense of responsibility for following through on Mama's expectations , for keeping the love alive, is planted deep in the baby's cellular memory.
It's planted deep for the girl baby too, but she will get to dump off her excessive guilt onto her own children. The boy is just sort of stuck with it, and of course he gets toxic from too much demanding female energy in his space. IMO men REALLY need to learn to release this stuck female energy out of their space since it ends up poisoning their love relationships with women... but this is too rare ... and I digress.
In English the modal verbs of obligation = "must, have to"and the modal verbs of recommendation = "should, ought to" etc. An English-speaking woman who has a strong vocabulary of"must"and should (and their variants) is going to feel emotionally very comfortable and secure to a guilt-boy. He'll fall in love.
Guilt is the glue which holds most filial bonds and marriages together .
Unfortunately, it isn't ridiculous that a man with a highly dignified Chandra would have married from responsibility rather than love. It's very sensible given how you describe his mother (and the Moon characteristics in his nativity). It is likely true that if he stays in his current, loveless, guilt marriage, you wouldn't want him anyway. That choice would prove his psycho-emotional bondage to his mother is simply too tight to pry open.
As usual, an attitude of duty and personal responsibility which works so well in professional life, is dysfunctional in intimate relationships unless it's consciously managed.
His mother wants it that way!
The sad fact = no matter how admired one may be in professional life, so long as their emotional guilt bondage is unconscious and reactive, they will live out their years as a slave to"must, should, and have to." The main profits of this behavior is money, title, and community respect. All worthy, but also, all temporal. All exterior to the soul. None"portable"across incarnations.
With guilt, there is no spiritual freedom. The lack of spiritual freedom is compensated often by material freedom to buy objects and experiences. (Granted by a society which greatly values the work duty.)
But few people find lasting creative satisfaction in the act of buying or owning an inanimate object. Buying is a temporary rush of"permission" . And many people do get addicted to"buying power"as a substitute for love. Unfortunately, it's a dead end...
As a love interest of a guilt-ridden man, be cautioned to watch for psychic signs of The Healer Mother .
The professionalized healer-mothers are nurses, teachers, and social workers. A needy,"selfless " mother will bind her children too tightly, in the attempt to externalize her self, to try to "see" and "manage" herself.
If the children have a healthy dose of human spirit, they will crave freedom and creativity - and they will rebel against control which exceeds the reasonable need for safety.
At the higher levels of moral and material development, where people are overall heavily ego-invested in wealth and position, adult boys and girls have to rebel covertly in order not to jeopardize their social standing.
They find escape routes. They live through their children. They gamble. They drink. They have affairs.
They usually don't get divorced if there are small children involved, because guilt tends to quite over-rule the spiritual freedom instinct where parenting (Mama) is concerned. However, the typical strong, highly placed Chandra, receiving drishti of Shani or other social constraining forces, will typically cause a"covert" style of rebellion. When the Moon is high and strong, the native undertakes a path toward authentic emotional interaction which also protects their public moral image. This almost always requires a public marriage to be maintained.
Judging almost exclusively by the match of his Chandra characteristics to your Rahu-Ketu lagna, I'd say that this fellow is as much emotionally attracted to your master-trained sense of social and personal responsibility as he is to your female beauty, artistic gifts, poetic imagination etc. Despite incipient passions, he probably couldn't convert you into a sordid, underground amour. He probably couldn't even put you on the liberated pedestal of Other, the purely creative Muse. For good or evil, you're what the yuppie boys call 'Marriage Material' - a top-quality package with all the Right Stuff for the full upper middle class partnership. Just like Mama had with Daddy.
Possible constructive action
Emotionally, men follow women.
Men can't ask for directions :) but they do follow women's emotional lead. Perhaps there is some chance for the guilt-ridden male to escape his bondage if the female can properly direct him. She has to know what she is saying and doing in the relationship, and why.
Go to work on one's own guilt. Like attracts like. You have attracted this fellow through the magic of matching energy. If nothing else, the difficulties of this relationship create an opportunity to become conscious of and begin to release one's own bondage to mother-guilt. Looking back, you will be very glad you realized this opportunity to create a higher level of spiritual freedom for yourself.
Regret and Sadness
QUOTATION from Tenzing Gyatso and Howard C. Cutler, M.D., The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living
" Howard Cutler:" Have there been situations in your life that you've regretted?"
Dalai Lama: " Oh, yes.
Now for instance there was one older monk who lived as a hermit. He used to come to see me to receive teachings, although I think he was actually more accomplished than I and came to me as a sort of formality.
Surprised by this story, I remarked,"Oh, that's terrible! That must have been hard on you when you heard..."
The Dalai Lama nodded sadly."How did you deal with that feeling of regret? How did you eventually get rid of it?"
The Dalai Lama silently considered for quite a while before replying,"I didn't get rid of it. It's still there. But even though that feeling of regret is still there, it isn't associated with a feeling of heaviness or a quality of pulling me back.
At that moment, in a very visceral way, I was struck once again by the very real possibility of a human being's fully facing life's tragedies and responding emotionally, even with deep regret, but without indulging in excessive guilt or self-contempt.
The Dalai Lama sincerely felt regret over the incident he described but carried his regret with dignity and grace.
And while carrying this regret, he has not allowed it to weigh him down, choosing instead to move ahead and focus on helping others to the best of his ability."
Jalal al-Din Rumi (1207-1273)
Anything you lose comes round in another form.
The child weaned from mother's milk now drinks wine and honey mixed.
God's joy moves from unmarked box to unmarked box, from cell to cell.
As rainwater, down into flower bed.
As roses, up from ground.
Now it looks like a plate of rice and fish, now a cliff covered with vines, now a horse being saddled.
It hides within these, till one day it cracks them open.
Part of the self leaves the body when we sleep and changes shape.
You might say,"Last night I was a cypress tree, a small bed of tulips, a field of grapevines."
Then the phantasm goes away.
You're back in the room.
I don't want to make any one fearful.
Hear what's behind what I say.
Tatatumtum tatum tatadum.
There's the light gold of wheat in the sun and the gold of bread made from that wheat.
I have neither.
I'm only talking about them, as a town in the desert looks up at stars on a clear night."
updated: 25 November 2022
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